The Ex Came Back Two Years Later. The Latest Update From the Hardest Heartbreak

July 7, 2010

in Lessons in Love

The Ex Came Back

Just slightly over two years ago my then-girlfriend shattered my heart into a million little pieces. It took me that long to finally recover from the breakup. It was really hard for me as I truly loved her, yet she choose another guy over me, literally overnight (I’ll probably talk about what happened in future posts, haa) sending me into downward spiral of hurt and depression.

But I got better, finally letter her go in March 2010. I did it by working on myself to become a mature and more powerful, yet humbled, man with the mission to make my life, and those around me, as great as possible. It was hard however – two years is a long time to miss someone and wait for her to come back.

Surprise. About two weeks ago the ex-girlfriend contacted me through my parents about going for dinner. I wasn’t biting, however, and ignored her calls and requests to go as, frankly, I didn’t care to talk to her again. It took a personal appearance from her for me to agree to meet, then after dinner she told me what had happened to her over the last two years.

Jessica’s Story

She dated and moved in with the guy after me, who turned out to be selfish and immature. He did treat her nice, but was too young to understand what love really meant and just proved again and again that he wasn’t ready for any real relationship. So she broke up with him in September 2008, met and started dating an older (40 year old) guy in Seattle (two hours drive away) in December, only to be told that he didn’t want to date her less than two weeks later.

Being a Leo and wanting to get married, she chased the guy whom she positioned as the guy she wanted to be her future husband (he had decent job, money, property, and was wanting to marry as well – just not to her) and they had a long distance relationship seeing each other on weekends only.

Their relationship was turbulent from the start, with her really trying to force her desire to be together, on him and him constantly rejecting (and thus hurting her) to the point where in a moment of weakness she got back together with the last ex-boyfriend (did I mention he was 5 years younger? He’s 24, she’s 29) for comfort and was re-dating him as well.

It all blew up in her face about 6 weeks ago when the Seattle guy looked in her MSN and saw racy messages between her and her Vancouver boyfriend. Now she suddenly had no relationship with either guy and is heartbroken.

The Aftermath

How heartbroken? Really heartbroken as she was still in honeymoon phase with the Seattle guy who basically told her to get lost and will never talk to her again (he’s a Virgo).

So thus, for some reason I’ve yet to figure out, she came to me for solace and, being sympathetic to her situation as I understand what she is going through (ironically because she put me through it, only 10′x worse) and as I now know a lot about breakups, that I decided to at least help her get better.

Here is the Problem

She is still raw and emotional about the Seattle guy. It’s only been 6 weeks and she still has emotional up and downs, although she seems to be recovering very quickly. I’ve been trying to teach her to finally stop lying to herself and to work on herself to become mature and more powerful than ever before.

The challenge is that she is still fucked up and isn’t 100% committed to what she wants as she’ll have a range of emotions, from feeling like she’s moved on and realizing that the Seattle guy didn’t love her and it would have been a bad relationship, to missing the Seattle guy and wanting him back. In reality, in a nutshell, she’s hurt him with the cheating, has scared him away, and its clear that he wasn’t that committed to the idea of being with her at all, from the start.

The younger Vancouver ex? He’s pining over her, but she’s written him off saying he’s got no chance with her and never did, relegating their contact to MSN (why even still contact him? She can’t let go of attention).

What’s Going on for Ronald

As for me, man, it’s been a tough two weeks. At first I had to admit that I still loved her, she was the love of my life, the woman I wanted to marry and be the mother of my children. But the more I heard her story and the more I got to know her again, two things became apparent:

1) I lost respect for her for what she’s done. Apparently she cheated on me twice emotionally, cheated on the Seattle guy physically, and never had true intentions for the younger ex, despite living with him. While I have forgiven her for the hurt she caused me, I’m still hurt and disappointed at her behavior up to this point. As Natalie Portman said in the movie Closter, “what a floosy”.

So in other words, I now see her as tainted. No longer the ‘perfect’ woman.

2) And more significantly: I have grown and matured. How I move through the world is more powerful than ever before, and I have great goals and dreams because my heartbreak forced me to examine every part of myself and learn how to be a man.

My ex is still a child who learned how to manipulate people to get what she wants, who demands to be spoiled, and is still as insensitive as ever. I was under her spell in the past, but can now see that she’s been lying to herself all this time so she can escape responsibility and accountability. In other words she hasn’t, perhaps can’t, grow up.

She doesn’t understand who she is and has no identity, thus why she places so much value on getting married, so she can wash a man’s floor and wait for him to come home every day (believe it or not, those are her own words).

She is not on my level and, while I hope/think her breakup is the traumatic event that will help her grow, I’m skeptical that she actually will as she’s quite immature and delusional, even when she’s ok (typical of many Leo’s in regards to relationships – look it up).

Love Rekindled?

I can feel the attraction between us starting up again, those feelings of love are springing and she’s now flip flopping between telling me that she wants me to move on and marry another woman as she’s going to wait for the Seattle guy (she say’s she’ll only give up the day he marries someone else) to texting me that she wants to see me, talking about our plans for kids and how our family would be and asking me questions that places me and her together in the future.

This girl is just confused and doesn’t know what she wants and I’m not letting her get away with all the tricks now (thank you wisdom and experience, you are my best friends). She’s got a long way to go to get better, a few months perhaps.

Where do I stand now? Yes, I still love her and a part of me is still holding onto the hope that she and I will one day marry. However, it’s changed, I’m no longer obsessed with her (like she is with the Seattle guy, AHH KARMA, haha). By loving myself, I respect myself enough to let her go and have a real loving relationship with a mature woman.

I’m looking back at the two years I was fucked up and missing her, now, and realizing what a mistake it was. I do regret not picking myself up and healing sooner, even though everyone told me to (the good thing is I went to the books and learned to understand every aspect of what happens in breakups).

That doesn’t mean that I’m ok. Hearing her constantly reminisce about her last two guys is really painful. My whole experience with her has been, and continues to be painful, I’ve just learned how to modulate it, but the pain is deep. The pushing and pulling she is doing on me isn’t helping either :p

I’m only here to help her get better and hopefully find out who is she is to grow up. I’m having her choose a deadline to let this guy go and heal. Then I’m going to leave her to learn how to be alone and hope she doesn’t jump into the arms of another guy because she’s needy and needs attention.

Will she and I find true love again? Or will I truly cut her off and never talk to her again later? Who knows, I’m starting to slip a little myself and am working hard to keep my own emotions in check.

Comments?

Check back in for this ongoing story.

Ronald Lee

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Michael Cruickshank August 12, 2010 at 1:41 pm

You are a kind man Ronald, for helping her after what she put you through!

Eric September 27, 2011 at 3:38 am

You’ve said everything perfectly Ron. Its certain that any person would similarly experience the resurfacing of old feelings, especially after going through the sort of heartbreak trauma that you’ve been through. I’ve been there. And yes, even after all that time. With pride and feelings of resentment aside, it’s obvious that you still care for her. From my own experiences, let me tell you that forgiveness for any trouble she’s been putting you through will be the keys to unlocking the answers to your heart, but more importantly, your own personal well-being, my friend. BUT remember, every relationship has a journey; and every relationship has an end, whatever the means. Standing up and moving on, rather than trying to pick up the pieces, may prove to be your best option.

I Invert the game January 25, 2013 at 7:23 pm

The pattern will be always the same. ” She cares more for the one that doesn’t care about her/ You care for the one that doesn’t care about you” .Care only about yourself, ignore her and let her go for good ” JUST LIKE I DID WITH MY X” ….Move on and keep seeking for person growth…REMEMBER SHE CAME BACK AFTER NOT HEARING FROM YOU FOR SO LONG, MOST GIRLS ARE LIKE THAT BY NATURE, SHE IS USING YOU, DON’T BE A DOORMAT, JUST LIKE I DID, take a second and Imagine how your life could be if you two were married… would you be willing to spend the rest of the life next to a person who failed you several times, a person who still have the hope to go back to somebody’s else Arms ? … Email me if anything!

Laurhair May 23, 2013 at 1:19 pm

I’ve had a similar type of pain from an ex.. We were together off and on for yrs, then in2010-2011 started hanging out as friends but almost daily… I knew I had been over him for a while(3 yrs) so thought I could be friends this time— HUGE mistake! I’m now heartbroken again, well about 30% of time bc it’s been a year since I cut off the friendship but when I see him or bump into him it’s painful. I’ve remembered again lately( this helps a lot) that I deserve soneone who appreciates me and my qualities,… He used to, and I tried to ask why he doesn’t anymore- stupid mistake; he doesn’t even know why/ emotionally immature/ afraid of intimacy he told me.. At least he admitted something. But the bottom line is people like us who can love and have a lot to offer need to RuN from those who are a rollaercoasterv ride! Be happy u found out b4 a marriage- I’m reminding myself if this too, ultimately, my ex isn’t grounded enough in dealing w reality, and runs away from problems/ escapes from any conflict.. So since life isn’t perfect and everyone has hard times, he would’ve run away eventually bc that’s how he’s wired! So is your ex! Sad but true. If someone doesn’t mature or open their heart, or isn’t a quality person to even have the character to care, then that’s NOT the person either of us wants OR deserves!! We both need to find a great, caring, loving person, not a facade of a person.

reviewcric November 30, 2013 at 9:09 pm

Hi Ron!
Im so glad to hear your story. Well one way I could help you is that you check some talks of ajahn brahm, especially with regard to letting things go and happiness. You will find there is a distinction between romantic love and unconditional love. If you love your partner unconditionally to no matter what she does, you are happy, which may mean that you may even loose her, that is unconditional love. Romantic love is what our partner makes us feel. Overall, try and see the good bricks as well as the bad and accept it wholly. The bad bricks like her being a child etc are in fact features! Try and see the positive in both your past and your future and who knows?!
May you be well happy and peaceful!

Rob January 24, 2014 at 11:42 am

just came across this. Thanks for putting your story out there like that. I can’t say my story is exactly the same, but it sure is close….

I live in Atlanta… I met a woman in 2011. She was a PhD candidate (don’t know if she completed it yet as we haven’t talked since March of 2013). But from the start, for me it was love at first sight. After about a month or two she was talking about moving back to California. (She;s from SF, but she was looking for employment close to LA). Immediately I was dealing with the thought of a LD relationship but I also noticed that she really wasn’t talking about “us” in that mix. Her brother who also holds a PhD, ‘greased the wheels’ for her to get hired by the state. Her brother is married with 3 children. As she and I spoke more, she disclosed to me what her brother did to her when he was a teen and she was still very very young (use your imagination). Of course I couldn’t understand why she stayed in his house while taking interviews. She also told me of a story a couple of years prior to she and I first meeting where ‘it’ happened again by an employee at a massage facility. Me… I’m just a ‘sucker’ for a sob story. So I offered her the protection I thought she needed the only way I knew how.

Back to the story… During our time together, she broke up with me several times. Each time she called me back I took her back. I do regret taking her back without making her take ‘accountability’ for herself. Each time I tried to talk about what actually happened, she’d always say something like “I never broke up with you” or “I was just trying to think”.. etc…. She had a few different ‘emotionally-negative’ triggers’… One was that she absolutely hated conflict and the other was that she absolutely hated yelling… Being that I’m 6’5″/265, I BARELY ever yell; NEVER at women because I know how that can be perceived. I also noticed that she would be usually be the one yelling and was usually the one that stirred up conflict. As long as I just ‘took it’, we’d be fine. But the moment I felt the need to defend my position, I’d be accused of all the worst things in the world. Basically, I realized in the end that she made me responsible for her emotional state of being.

After about 8/9 months of working for the state, she decided that she could not keep up her academic pursuits while working full time. She decided to move home to SF. From her position, I knew she would need financial help because she would be a grown woman moving back into her parents home and would expected to take care of herself. So I made sure I provisioned money for that because I loved her.

Because we were in a LD relationship, this relationship was sustained mainly by my efforts. I was the one that paid for everything. I paid for every trip (mine & hers) whether I was visiting her or she was visiting me or whenever we took any kind of trip. I tried my best to be there as much as possible. She usually was the one to bring up marriage. When we first started, marriage couldn’t happen soon enough. But with her frequent ending of our relationship and her high level of needs (hours long phone calls, constantly trying to help her past a mental hurdle, etc), I realized we needed stability and that I had to be the one to put my foot down if I wanted “us” to work.

Early in Jan 2013, we fussed over something I can’t even remember… She broke up with me in because she said that I must promise to never raise my voice because it was a deal breaker; I reminded her that I don’t raise my voice but I do have the right to and wouldn’t promise to something as ridiculous as that. She broke up with me; then a couple of weeks later, she called and I acquiesced in my usual way. Then in late Jan I brought her here to Atlanta and we began couples therapy. This was our effort to get aligned so that we could move forward. I realized that whenever we did go to therapy she would pretty much play the victim in our relationship.

While she was here, on March of 2013 I took her out to a museum. After taking her to her sister’s place to drop her off (her sis lives in Atlanta) because I would be very busy at work the next day and I didn’t want to put her at a disadvantage of getting around town, I noticed a shift in her attitude while dropping her off. As if there was no feeling for us from her. I called her on the way home. I got her vm and left my thoughts “without” accusing and she gave me a very vague reply about 3 hours later by text. Instead of allowing my disappointment to lead my response, I just told her “I understand” and closed out the evening. The next day she asked if I had time to take her to the grocery store. I told her I’d be there between 5:30/6:00pm. It was hailing and there was a severe storm going on at that time. And if anyone knows anything about rush hour traffic in Atlanta, then you know it’s no joke.

As I got off the exit at 6:02pm she was calling me. Basically letting me ‘have it’. I was trying to explain that I couldn’t call her because it was so dangerous on the road that I didn’t think it was a good idea… In fact, she even mentioned herself how she did not feel safe leaving until the storm ended. I took her to the grocery store and back while all the while I’m trying to hear her but offer her some logic to the situation… In the end, I couldn’t take it any further. I made sure she was safely out and I left. I called after leaving. I kept telling her that we should not argue and for us to talk later when cooler heads prevailed. She has never talked to me again since. I have sent a few emails asking if we could talk. The only reply I got was when I first reached out and she let me know that our relationship has ended and that she forgives me but because of the deal breakers (she never pointed them out), she always felt ‘done to’ and on the ‘receiving end’ of things & she could not go forward. I tried reaching out a few more times… just recently at the beginning of the year. I sometimes hate that its taken me this long to deal with emotions of that loss & I also wish that I didn’t allow that kind of relationship to take place in my life for so long. But I now I know better and I’m trying to do better. What’s crazy is that I don’t fault her for it because it truly only exposed where my own weaknesses are/were and what I need to do to improve my trajectory in life.

Through this time without her, I’ve been very slowly gathering the courage to improve myself. And like you, Ronald, trying to move more powerfully through life. I don’t know… sometimes I think I’ll hear from her again, and I wonder about what my reaction would be, but now I’m asking ‘by the spirit’ to not want that kind of person for myself.

Thanks again for your story.

toksick July 23, 2014 at 8:14 am

First of all, lots of respect ,
I know how heartbreaks go. I dont usually comment or reply on forums, but since I’m going through i similar phase, i can relate.
we dated between 2008-2010, then she dumped me for some other guy, and i stayed just friends for an year hoping she would come back someday as they both fought a lot , abused each other and what not. While when she was with me , I was a hopeless romantic whose world revolved around her. I became too insecure and clingy. The problem was she was after her career and i was after her. After some time she moved to another city and got her dream job there. She was quite happy in the start , met her twice , all went well.
then last week ~7th july 2014, I messaged her on facebook after a long time, now she says she missed me and cried , she is sick of living alone for the past 3 years and wants to settle down. While she strongly hints she wants to marry me. Being Indian, she has quite a lot of peer pressure to get married soon as it is the “right age” according to her folks.
Now we chat almost daily a little bit. but m like really confused. Right now i’m thinking , we need to get to know each other once again, cuz i have changed a lot in all these years and obviously life makes your grow and evolve. If I feel we can work out , cuz a part of me still wants her, ( just a lil bit :P )
suggestions are welcome.

And the right course of action should be to let her go like you did.
but then the famous saying kinda confuses me ” if you love someone , let them go, if they come back, you guys were meant to be”.
i dont know what to do
Sorry for the long post.
thanks for reading.
call me K

Brody September 16, 2014 at 4:25 pm

ROnald, you are the dumbest mofo ever. The simple solution to this without wasting all this time and energy over a whore is to simply bang her and use her as a friends with benefits. A woman like this will only cause you problems and more pain. You’ve been burned once, which is bad enough but I wouldnt expect you to see it the first time due to your naivety. But this time, you have no excuse for being such a huge vagina.

Please, for the sake of men everywhere, try to find your sack.

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