The Ex Came Back Two Years Later. The Latest Update From the Hardest Heartbreak

July 7, 2010

in Lessons in Love

The Ex Came Back

Just slightly over two years ago my then-girlfriend shattered my heart into a million little pieces. It took me that long to finally recover from the breakup. It was really hard for me as I truly loved her, yet she choose another guy over me, literally overnight (I’ll probably talk about what happened in future posts, haa) sending me into downward spiral of hurt and depression.

But I got better, finally letter her go in March 2010. I did it by working on myself to become a mature and more powerful, yet humbled, man with the mission to make my life, and those around me, as great as possible. It was hard however – two years is a long time to miss someone and wait for her to come back.

Surprise. About two weeks ago the ex-girlfriend contacted me through my parents about going for dinner. I wasn’t biting, however, and ignored her calls and requests to go as, frankly, I didn’t care to talk to her again. It took a personal appearance from her for me to agree to meet, then after dinner she told me what had happened to her over the last two years.

Jessica’s Story

She dated and moved in with the guy after me, who turned out to be selfish and immature. He did treat her nice, but was too young to understand what love really meant and just proved again and again that he wasn’t ready for any real relationship. So she broke up with him in September 2008, met and started dating an older (40 year old) guy in Seattle (two hours drive away) in December, only to be told that he didn’t want to date her less than two weeks later.

Being a Leo and wanting to get married, she chased the guy whom she positioned as the guy she wanted to be her future husband (he had decent job, money, property, and was wanting to marry as well – just not to her) and they had a long distance relationship seeing each other on weekends only.

Their relationship was turbulent from the start, with her really trying to force her desire to be together, on him and him constantly rejecting (and thus hurting her) to the point where in a moment of weakness she got back together with the last ex-boyfriend (did I mention he was 5 years younger? He’s 24, she’s 29) for comfort and was re-dating him as well.

It all blew up in her face about 6 weeks ago when the Seattle guy looked in her MSN and saw racy messages between her and her Vancouver boyfriend. Now she suddenly had no relationship with either guy and is heartbroken.

The Aftermath

How heartbroken? Really heartbroken as she was still in honeymoon phase with the Seattle guy who basically told her to get lost and will never talk to her again (he’s a Virgo).

So thus, for some reason I’ve yet to figure out, she came to me for solace and, being sympathetic to her situation as I understand what she is going through (ironically because she put me through it, only 10′x worse) and as I now know a lot about breakups, that I decided to at least help her get better.

Here is the Problem

She is still raw and emotional about the Seattle guy. It’s only been 6 weeks and she still has emotional up and downs, although she seems to be recovering very quickly. I’ve been trying to teach her to finally stop lying to herself and to work on herself to become mature and more powerful than ever before.

The challenge is that she is still fucked up and isn’t 100% committed to what she wants as she’ll have a range of emotions, from feeling like she’s moved on and realizing that the Seattle guy didn’t love her and it would have been a bad relationship, to missing the Seattle guy and wanting him back. In reality, in a nutshell, she’s hurt him with the cheating, has scared him away, and its clear that he wasn’t that committed to the idea of being with her at all, from the start.

The younger Vancouver ex? He’s pining over her, but she’s written him off saying he’s got no chance with her and never did, relegating their contact to MSN (why even still contact him? She can’t let go of attention).

What’s Going on for Ronald

As for me, man, it’s been a tough two weeks. At first I had to admit that I still loved her, she was the love of my life, the woman I wanted to marry and be the mother of my children. But the more I heard her story and the more I got to know her again, two things became apparent:

1) I lost respect for her for what she’s done. Apparently she cheated on me twice emotionally, cheated on the Seattle guy physically, and never had true intentions for the younger ex, despite living with him. While I have forgiven her for the hurt she caused me, I’m still hurt and disappointed at her behavior up to this point. As Natalie Portman said in the movie Closter, “what a floosy”.

So in other words, I now see her as tainted. No longer the ‘perfect’ woman.

2) And more significantly: I have grown and matured. How I move through the world is more powerful than ever before, and I have great goals and dreams because my heartbreak forced me to examine every part of myself and learn how to be a man.

My ex is still a child who learned how to manipulate people to get what she wants, who demands to be spoiled, and is still as insensitive as ever. I was under her spell in the past, but can now see that she’s been lying to herself all this time so she can escape responsibility and accountability. In other words she hasn’t, perhaps can’t, grow up.

She doesn’t understand who she is and has no identity, thus why she places so much value on getting married, so she can wash a man’s floor and wait for him to come home every day (believe it or not, those are her own words).

She is not on my level and, while I hope/think her breakup is the traumatic event that will help her grow, I’m skeptical that she actually will as she’s quite immature and delusional, even when she’s ok (typical of many Leo’s in regards to relationships – look it up).

Love Rekindled?

I can feel the attraction between us starting up again, those feelings of love are springing and she’s now flip flopping between telling me that she wants me to move on and marry another woman as she’s going to wait for the Seattle guy (she say’s she’ll only give up the day he marries someone else) to texting me that she wants to see me, talking about our plans for kids and how our family would be and asking me questions that places me and her together in the future.

This girl is just confused and doesn’t know what she wants and I’m not letting her get away with all the tricks now (thank you wisdom and experience, you are my best friends). She’s got a long way to go to get better, a few months perhaps.

Where do I stand now? Yes, I still love her and a part of me is still holding onto the hope that she and I will one day marry. However, it’s changed, I’m no longer obsessed with her (like she is with the Seattle guy, AHH KARMA, haha). By loving myself, I respect myself enough to let her go and have a real loving relationship with a mature woman.

I’m looking back at the two years I was fucked up and missing her, now, and realizing what a mistake it was. I do regret not picking myself up and healing sooner, even though everyone told me to (the good thing is I went to the books and learned to understand every aspect of what happens in breakups).

That doesn’t mean that I’m ok. Hearing her constantly reminisce about her last two guys is really painful. My whole experience with her has been, and continues to be painful, I’ve just learned how to modulate it, but the pain is deep. The pushing and pulling she is doing on me isn’t helping either :p

I’m only here to help her get better and hopefully find out who is she is to grow up. I’m having her choose a deadline to let this guy go and heal. Then I’m going to leave her to learn how to be alone and hope she doesn’t jump into the arms of another guy because she’s needy and needs attention.

Will she and I find true love again? Or will I truly cut her off and never talk to her again later? Who knows, I’m starting to slip a little myself and am working hard to keep my own emotions in check.


Check back in for this ongoing story.

Ronald Lee

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Michael Cruickshank August 12, 2010 at 1:41 pm

You are a kind man Ronald, for helping her after what she put you through!

Eric September 27, 2011 at 3:38 am

You’ve said everything perfectly Ron. Its certain that any person would similarly experience the resurfacing of old feelings, especially after going through the sort of heartbreak trauma that you’ve been through. I’ve been there. And yes, even after all that time. With pride and feelings of resentment aside, it’s obvious that you still care for her. From my own experiences, let me tell you that forgiveness for any trouble she’s been putting you through will be the keys to unlocking the answers to your heart, but more importantly, your own personal well-being, my friend. BUT remember, every relationship has a journey; and every relationship has an end, whatever the means. Standing up and moving on, rather than trying to pick up the pieces, may prove to be your best option.

I Invert the game January 25, 2013 at 7:23 pm

The pattern will be always the same. ” She cares more for the one that doesn’t care about her/ You care for the one that doesn’t care about you” .Care only about yourself, ignore her and let her go for good ” JUST LIKE I DID WITH MY X” ….Move on and keep seeking for person growth…REMEMBER SHE CAME BACK AFTER NOT HEARING FROM YOU FOR SO LONG, MOST GIRLS ARE LIKE THAT BY NATURE, SHE IS USING YOU, DON’T BE A DOORMAT, JUST LIKE I DID, take a second and Imagine how your life could be if you two were married… would you be willing to spend the rest of the life next to a person who failed you several times, a person who still have the hope to go back to somebody’s else Arms ? … Email me if anything!

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